Well, here's an interesting twist. I did indeed fix my red pepper dip on Friday night, and had plenty of time Saturday morning before the retreat to make up a nice lunch: leftover orange and spinach smoothy, the dip with sliced turnip, and a salad of mashed avocado, spices, celery, sunchoke, and romaine lettuce. I was feeling so chipper, on top of knowing that I would be sitting for hours in meditation all day, that I took myself out for a little jog -- oh, what a perfect spring morning, how good it was to tuddle along at my little snail's pace and anticipate an inspiring weekend ...
... oops, went too far, got so sweaty I had to shower, and got addlepated about being late. Buddhism is one of the only things I do where the events actually tend to start on the scheduled time, and no doubt about it, I was late.
So I promptly drove off WITHOUT MY LUNCH, gaaaaaah!!!
Now, it's sort of ironic that in order to go study mindfulness, I got so stressed out that I messed up such a basic element of life, especially after putting so much time and thought into it. I could sort of laugh about it, in an uptight sort of way. But I also had to make an instant decision: do I turn around and go back to get it, making myself at least ten minutes late? Or do I just go with the flow and buy something at the coop?
I was so upset about being late that I let it go, and bought strawberries, dates, braised greens and a gluten-free roll at lunchtime. It cost almost $10, and I was a bit sad as I thought of all the vitamin C leaking out of my fresh smoothy. But it was what it was.
And at least I had the next day's lunch all ready to go. I've noticed recently that food is starting to all taste a bit "off", and I'm not sure what's going on, if it's a new hormonal symptom of peri-menopause, or if my body is telling me it's time to fast a bit, or maybe even that my tastebuds are changing somehow. I was disappointed to find that the food I'd put so much energy into really didn't taste that good. Orange and spinach is my favorite smoothy, but after a day in the fridge, it was quite flavorless.
Fortunately, the retreat itself was very inspiring, and I maintained the most constant levels of awareness (as in, being aware that I am aware) that I've experienced in a long time. Of course, it's easy in such an environment: two days of essentially no phones, no superfluous talking, no distractions. No book or videos while I eat, how strange!! Nothing like focusing on food that doesn't taste all that hot.
But I also feel deep in my gut, so to speak, that this moment-by-moment training mind to be aware of itself is the only ticket for me out of food-addiction hell, or at least it is the most important component of true change. After it was over, I spent the rest of the daylight gardening, and was tired. I finished the red pepper dip, but had it with the last of some whole wheat English muffins that I had for my "treat" food, topped with cucumbers. Fine and dandy, after a day of all-rawness. But as I watched my telly, I felt the daily craving for junk food, for FUN food coming up, predictable as sunrise. And this time I totally felt the craving, no reduction of desire at all -- but I had a little "space", as it were, around the mental anguish of it all. I consciously decided that I did not want the consequences of eating too much, nor eating, say, potato chips. I also saw that I did not want health food; fruit sounded cold and nasty. And that was what was arising; the conditions were there and could not be taken back, and so what? Yes, I experienced a mild suffering. And it did eventually pass.
And I helped it along by going back to finish the rest of the bread and dip, hahahah!