I rode my wake-up-with-a-smoothy enthusiasm all week, just gobsmacked every morning that I can get up and function without tea. The last few days have been rocky, though, as I had a bad-sleep night and the effects are reverberating for days. I get so tired by afternoon that all I can do after work is slouch into a chair or bed and read; when the sun is out, I feel so guilty doing "nothing" that it plunges me into a mild depression, which makes me feel worse, and so down goes the spiral.
This week, when it happened I had a cup of tea (mixed herbal with a little yerba mate) which was nice, and I took a walk another time, which was even better. But yesterday I got so tired of being tired that the moroseness won; a perfect spring day went to waste. I got my mother's taxes out of the way, and that was about all I could accomplish. I tried to get enthused, I really tried, but when I poked my sleep-deprived head out the door it was so windy that I couldn't cope with exercising and shivering at the same time, and I was so nice and warm and clean from my morning shower that I didn't want to ruin the feel by getting sweaty indoors.
And as usual, as I crashed in my bed with my eyelids at half-mast, I let myself imagine all the happy people out there flying kites, jogging without knee pain, puttering around the garden in cheerful oblivion of the wind, getting ready for a nice spring weekend. The contrast of feeling "sick" in bed, without looking forward to having a sweetie come home and ask what we would do this weekend, was too pathetic. Not to mention, my teeth have been hurting like mad from the minuscule berry seeds in the smoothies; there was nothing for it but to haul out and drive to the store for comfort food.
The only part I'm proud of is that when the grocery down the street proved to have stopped carrying Tofutti Cuties, the only vegan dessert in the whole store, I didn't go into full melt-down. I got mad, fumed a minute, then realized there was nothing I could do except A) buy a bar of high-cacao chocolate, which was succedaneum I did not want, or B) drive to the next store. Feeling like a spoiled princess as I thought of African refugees who walk miles just to carry their own water, I got back in my car and drove to the next store. There I discovered organic asparagus on sale for $3/lb and frozen berries on sale for $3/bag, so the trip was salvaged from being just a junk-food run. But just as I thought I would get over this hump, I did not sleep well again LAST night, which means two more days of sludgy not-caring. I know that if I had the money, I could go out and do something active and novel and fun, but I do not have any spare money now and I can't get happy enough from the no-cost varieties like jogging on sore knees, or throwing a frisbee for myself. I'll look at this need-for-novelty in more depth this lonely spring weekend and see what that's all about.